The Unbearable Politeness of Collaboration

Collaboration is not a group hug.

Here’s a tale of two offsites that I think captures the problem:

• At one recent offsite, a participant said: “I feel like there’s tension in the room.”
• At the other, someone said: “I feel like there’s not enough tension in the room.”

In both cases, the culprit?

People confusing collaboration with Kumbaya.

In Offsite #1, people were worried things had gotten too direct, when it was in fact healthy disagreement. 

In Offsite #2, they were frustrated that no one was saying what they really thought, because everyone was too focused on the happy vibes. 

In both offsites, people were confusing collaboration with being nice.

But real collaboration isn’t about being nice.

It’s about being courageous.

It’s about saying:

“I don’t think this idea is working.”
“I think we’re solving the wrong problem.”
“Are we actually having the conversation we need to have?”

Collaboration, when it works, is:

• Constructive tension
• Trust that’s strong enough to handle a few sparks 
• Trust that’s strengthened by the way the sparks are handled

So how do you shift from polite to productive?

Here are 3 ideas I use with teams to build real collaboration:

1. Name the need for tension. Start by saying: “We’ll probably disagree today. We should disagree today. That’s not a sign of a problem, it’s a sign of progress. That’s how we tap into value.”

2. Design for dissent. Ask: “Who sees it differently?” or “What’s the thing we’re not discussing?” Create roles like “valued challenger” to make challenge safe, and allocate time to airing differing viewpoints.

3. Debrief the dynamic. Pause mid-way and ask: “Are we having the right conversation? What’s not being said? What do we need from each other to make it safe to discuss that stuff?” This makes reflection part of the way you roll - not an afterthought.

Collaboration done well should never be soft and fluffy.

It should generate friction, from which value is discovered.

Messy. Brave. Productive.

So next time your team’s being unbearably polite, ask:

What are the conversations we need to be having, and how do we get to those quickly?

Until next time,
Simon